nice (bike) rack
Ever tried to transport your bike in a small car?
First, try to fit it in the boot. This ain’t going to work; you know it, I know it. But you have to try it. Next, remove the wheels. The front and then the back. Still no good. And now you’ve got oily hands. Contemplate removing the saddle, the seat post, handle bars and ultimately, the forks. At the last moment decide against this on the basis that at this point in time you’re no longer transporting a bike, you’re just carrying components. Which technically makes you a Wiggle delivery driver. Just without the useful white van.
Next, try it on the back seat. Be sure to get lots of chain gunk on the nice clean cream-coloured upholstery. And oil fingerprints on the front seat as you try to move it ever further forwards. It doesn’t fit there either. You didn’t really think it would. Eventually banish the vague notion of removing the passenger seat. Thankfully you didn’t have the correct size spanner.
Buy a boot-fitting hatchback bike rack. Hang bike precariously. Make mental note to self to never allow car to stop in case someone swipes it. Make mental note to self to never allow car to slow to walking place when in the North in case someone swipes it. Explain to the local constabulary on each and every outing why that means you can’t stop at red lights. Did he fail to deduce that the precariously hung bike probably meant you were a cyclist and wouldn’t have stopped at any red light in any event? Fail entirely to think of a good reason why you don’t have a number-plated light board, and accept a fixed penalty.
Throw out flimsy rear bike rack. Think about booking the small car into your local body repair shop to re-paint the rear end and fit a new, un-deformed bumper. Buy nice solid roof rack. Clamp bike firmly by the down tube, completely crushing uber-expensive carbon weave frame, rendering bike useless, if easily transported. Invalidate lifetime frame warranty. Claim on household insurance for one racing bike damaged by falling masonry. Push chimney pot off roof for when the loss adjuster comes to call. It narrowly misses neighbour, who threatens to sue.
Put nice new bike on roof rack. Drive under low-hanging trees at speed. Wreck bike, rack and car roof in one swift move. Buy bigger car.
