a willower’s tale
Following a brief sojourn with two intrepid buccaneers in a wooden row boat here are some thoughts as to the trials and tribulations encountered upon the mother of all rivers:
- Satnav is a spectacular innovation that will deliver you to within 25m of your postcode destination. However, try to ensure the 25m is not the width of the river Thames that now separates you from that target, with no bridge crossing for ten miles either side. Doh.
- Much of the upper Thames is undoubtedly very pretty. Much of the upper Thames is also equally boring.
- You’ve worked one lock, you worked them all.
- Repeatedly pressing the ‘Close Sluices’ button again and again and expecting a different outcome is the new definition of madness. So, imagine the mood of the ‘on-call’ lock tech support engineer upon being summoned to display his skills and talent at 9.00pm on a Saturday evening. He didn’t strike me as being over-the-moon, which had risen by the time he departed.
- The Kingfisher is truly the king of birds and to witness its flash of petroleum blue in the bright morning sun was a genuine delight. Failing to see it as you have your nose in your phone updating your SnapFace status is borderline criminal.
- There is no place for a selfie-stick in anyone’s luggage who has been instructed to travel-light.
- Online booking apps do not a great customer service experience create.
- The lassoing of buoys is best undertaken by North American cowboys or South American gauchos as it’s not as easy as it looks. Probably.
- Lock-keepers need to pinch themselves each and every morning. Unfortunately, most appear not to do so.
- Neat vodka, as an additional ingredient to Bachelor’s Cup-a-Soup, appears to impart surprisingly medicinal qualities.
- Young, inquisitive heifers are invariably drawn to the snoring man.
- Canadian Geese never sleep, remain active 24/7 and become noticeably more vocal during the hours of darkness. Also, with broods of 10+, they are taking over.
- What is it with women and dogs? Are we that bad?
- I remain the Carbonara king!
- Paddleboards are unwittingly stable and no amount of intentional wash can send them to the depths.
- Rowing is a really, really skilful sport. No, really.
- The banks of the Thames is home to both the most exclusive of properties and the most basic of semi-sunk barges. Multi-millionaires live cheek-by-jowl with the disenfranchised and unrepresented of society.
- Property porn is developing en-masse via the building of steel & glass Scandinavian-styled palaces of opulence. Sadly, none looked lived in and the baby-grands remain unplayed.
- Every other residence has a trampoline in their garden but n’er a child was seen bouncing in any.
- Three tipsy idiots in an old-skool wooden row boat, in boaters, do a smile bring to all but the most pursed of lips. To laugh is to experience life’s greatest tonic.
