please release me, let me go
Having managed to get to the end of her sparsely attended Davos speech needing neither cough lozenges nor double-sided gaffa tape, Mrs May now returns to the UK to re-proffer a warm welcome to tiny-hands-pussy-grabbing Trump. This, in the same breath as she very publically, and quite rightly, condemns the groping of female hostesses at the ironically named Presidents’ Club charity dinner. With that moniker you could almost be forgiven for thinking this was an instruction as opposed to an act of isolated incidence. The palpable desperation to ‘win’ a US trade deal and curry favour ahead of our EU ‘rivals’ continues to highlight one of the inevitable and predictable consequences of Brexit: the even greater reliance on the US, even when it is led by perhaps the most unsuited of individuals to ever hold high office.
Without going over what’s now largely old ground, we learned from Michael Wolff’s ‘Fire & Fury’ that El Presidente doesn’t read anything, his favourite sport was tricking friends’ wives into bed, is paranoid about his toothbrush and is under the sheets, cheeseburger in hand, by 6.30pm. That Ivanka sees herself as the natural presidential heir-apparent and continually mocks her father’s gravity-defying comb-over. That no-one in the campaign team, Donald and Melania included, thought they were ever going to win, and that the prize everyone sought was merely a bigger ‘brand’, and a better job with higher post-election pay.
The so-called US/UK ‘special relationship’ is a delusion. So-called because it’s only us Brits that refer to this one-way overly-needy coupling as such. America can smell our desperation and Trump can smell our desperation. My, how it must tickle him.
Even at the time of May’s ingratiating invitation of a ceremonial state visit (remember the cringe-worthy lover’s first-date hand-holding debacle?), it seemed too much, too soon. And how exactly were these grovelling actions interpreted? Well, he then went on to visit our European partners Germany, France, Italy and Poland. Why, I think he’s even been to Belgium on two separate occasions, twice as often as most visitors would contemplate! So much for our emotionally over-invested special relationship.
Unsurprisingly, it’s also clear that both France and Germany have managed to be noticeably detached, more restrained in its relations with the US. Emmanuel Macron and Angela Merkel have both managed to cordially host the president whilst standing-up to him on issues such as climate change, trade and defence. Again, I’m sure we can all recall the 27 second power-play of a handshake Trump ‘enjoyed’ with Macron? There’s ‘previous’ for this: while Tony Blair followed George Dubya around the world, Jacques Chirac had no problems steering well clear. Appreciating that Trump advocates a zero-sum relationship as opposed to win-win, it would appear these powerhouses decide on what exactly they wish to achieve on the world stage and work towards it in a partisan manner. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.
For too long we have been in thrall to this special relationship and calling-time on it is long-overdue. Sadly, as we’ve now weighed-anchor from our closest allies and largest market, I don’t see it happening anytime soon.
PS When you have a spare 27 seconds do google ‘the handshake’ as it is genuinely mind-boggling. Pay attention to Melania’s wide-eyed reaction to what is taking place, to how Trump then double-cheek kisses Brigitte Macron without relinquishing his grip and how he then pats Emmanuel’s hand to signal he’s had enough. Fascinating and If nothing else, it will cheer-up your day no end!
