I beg your pardon? Running around in the middle of winter in skimpy lycra shorts? Getting all hot and sweaty before throwing yourself through the ice of some frozen lake with similarly clad young damsels? Clambering over the greased wall and under the tight-fitting cargo net? Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? With my reputation!

Well, something like that at least and it is a hoot…though maybe not always at the time. Usually in the pub afterwards. Since 2003 several of us have been competing fairly consistently in the Trailplus Adventure Race series (series winners in 2006 dontchaknow!) and we’ve all enjoyed some thrilling and depressing experiences, probably in equal measure. During the actual events, usually comprising a 10 mile run, double the distance mountain-bike and a stint in a leaking kayak somewhere in the middle, there’s far more likely to be torrid tales of tears and tantrums. I still shudder at the memory of the first one we ever competed in. Ian Lee Emery and his team pulled out due to injury (or so he said) and Mark Kunert, Dave Gingell and myself stepped into the breach. It’s a pity we hadn’t done any training, all had heavy un-sprung cycles (I wouldn’t even use the term mountain bike) and had absolutely no idea what to expect. We just rocked up on the day…and suffered. To such an extent that Dave Gingell has never competed in one since and has only recently been signed off the therapy!

Let’s be honest about it, extreme sports all boil down to thinking up great new ways of killing yourself…and then extracting the death bit at the last moment. Anything that gives you the experience of a roller-coaster without the roller-coaster (and throwing up an ice-cream, lager and candy-floss mix) can be classified as an extreme sport.

You can measure the extremeness of your extreme sport by the safety equipment you carry: cycle helmet and knee pads and you might as well be playing extreme bingo; ropes, harness, body armour and a proper hard hat and the risk level goes up; life jackets, a full face mask and additional oxygen are guaranteed to look good but to really impress you need either a parachute or an ejector seat. Trailplus events invariably need a combination of all of the above. Of course, some people go rambling kitted out like this in order to give the impression that they’re doing something risky. However, they impression they give is that they’re an extreme idiot.

Trailplus events have often made me feel like an idiot – an unfit, ill-prepared, out-of-his-depth idiot. Here are some of the events we’ve had a crack at:

October 2005

……yesterday saw three teams compete in the Longmoor Camp Madcap Laugh (Long and mad, yes. Laugh, I don’t think so). ‘Welease Woderwick’ saw Ian Lee Emery, Matt Beevor and myself compete in our third event, ‘The Eager Beavers’ saw ‘Hairy Beaver’ Martin Litherland, ‘Sloppy Beaver’ Rowena Draper and ‘Sweaty Beaver’ Dougie Craig in their first trailplus event and ‘Dun-Runnin’ with Mark Kunert and Guy Edwards determinedly carrying on in a team of two after being very badly (though not entirely unexpectedly) let down by their third member.

The conditions were near perfect as the morning developed into a lovely dry, clear, crisp day. The pre-race atmosphere was heavy with testosterone, deep heat and sugar-laced isotonic drinks and even though this was my third event I was extremely nervous and tense. To be honest I am still daunted by the fact that everyone who competes in these things is younger and fitter than me, certainly looking less hung-over than I always do on a Sunday morning, has a far better bicycle than I have and a penchant for lycra…..which my body shape certainly wouldn’t appreciate.

But where was team Eager Beavers? As Dougie said upon their very late arrival, “it was when we were going through Guildford for the second time and I knew we shouldn’t have been going through there even a first time, that I knew Martin may not have planned it quite as well as he would have had us believe!” Was this a precursor of what was to follow?

So off we start and the format and distances were something of this nature:

– 5k run
– 20k mountain bike (with the onus upon mountain)
– 3k run (with the kayak, paddles and life jackets)
– 3k kayak
– 3k bike
– 3k run
– and don’t forget the tests, puzzles and obstacles thrown in for good measure

With over 180 teams (500+ competitors) the end time often depends upon how quickly you complete the first exercise and with this in mind we really cracked on with the 5k run, finishing only about 45 seconds after the first team. A fortunate start.

The mountain biking for me was an absolute killer. The worst, hardest and most terrifying ordeal by a long, country mile. I was probably off the bike at least 30-40 times and it was agony. Not fun at all and certainly one of those exercises were you really do think that you will never, ever do anything like this ever again. Being pretty crap on a bicycle meant I was guilty of holding up far better riders, including my own team members, but it was usually OK (a great example is when on a scary descent, with both brakes locked and squealing in anger one of the guys behind shouted “go on, let them off, you never know, you may even enjoy it!”). Good call but there was no way they were coming off! I could not have completed this exercise one second quicker, was almost sick on a couple of occasions and it was torture from start to finish.

The kayak and the run at the end were OK and infact I was a little disappointed that the run wasn’t longer as I/we probably could have done a final 5 – 10k at a half decent pace. My only criticism of the whole event is that I found this one overly mountain biking oriented rather than running but I guess that’s horses for courses and it probably suits as many as it doesn’t.

Our end-time was 2.56 and we were well-chuffed getting under the three hour barrier. I am absolutely sure Ian and Matt could completed it in under this time if they hadn’t have had to wait for me and continually drag me up some of those hills. Cheers fellows. Guy and Kunie completed the course in a very, very credible 3.22 and I think Guy surprised himself that he did so well and completed it with something left in the tanks. A top effort by both the guys.

Martin, Dougie and Rowena had a bit of a nightmare as they became a little bogged-down in the middle of all the mountain bikers and there were long tailbacks at some of the hills (mountains!) and passing points. Martin then had a puncture and for some strange reason didn’t have the right pump and inner tubes. Doh. Ever the gallant lady, Rowena lent Martin her bicycle, allowing Martin and Dougie to complete the running and kayak, before joining them for the final run. I am confident that Martin will want to compete in the next one and put this experience behind him and have no doubt Rowena will want to complete the course in its entirety. Dougie did brilliantly to complete the event though I don’t think he’s as keen to experience it again for some time. They may be looking for another ‘Beaver’ to join them?

So, onwards and upwards to the next one…..I know I said I wouldn’t do another….but you know how it is!

December 2005

…….Yesterday saw the final event in this year’s Trailplus Adventure Race series and I can honestly and truthfully state (as you are my witnesses) that I will not compete in another one ever again. It was THAT painful. Just for the record, Welease Woderwick (our team) finished 20th in the first one, 15th in the second (out of 145 teams) and, taking into account the amount of training we’ve all put in over the last three months (twice a week minimum with a huge run/bicycle session each and every Sunday at 7.30am), a top ten finish was not to be ruled out.

The day dawned to relief all round as it was both warmer and drier than we could have wished. Admittedly the ground was already going to be boggy but provided we got away to a fast start we should have been able to avoid the worst of it. Worryingly though the temperature fell from a mild 7 degrees in Sunningdale at 8.00am to a depressingly chilly 2 by the time we arrived at Longmoor Camp and I hazard a guess that it was barely above freezing by the time the hooter set off the assembled throng of 135 three-man-and woman teams.

Initially everything went to plan for both our team and also for Kunie’s (Mark, Tim and Marathon-Man-Chris) and three miles/19-20 minutes later we arrived back in the transition area to mount the mountain-bikes in about tenth (or possibly even less) position. So far so good….but this is where it all started to go wrong….for me at least. About a mile into the cycle I got stuck half way up a hill only to find the back brake completely locked on…..solid. Uh oh. The long and short of it from here on in is that Kunie and Tim kindly stopped and got the wheel off and brake released (for good that is ie no back brake for the rest of the race) and then half way round the gears completely jammed…..solid and it took Ian and I a good few minutes with spanners and elbow grease to get them freed…..but at the cost of not being able to change out of the middle front cog, also for the rest of the race. B*gger. I suspect the real issue was much more to do with the fact I was absolutely jiggered by this point, virtually at the point of no-return and ready to quit. The 13 mile course was now a complete quagmire, with mud over a foot deep in places and no fun at all but Ian and Matt however were strong, fit and determined to drag me round. We eventually finished the second discipline in about two hours or so.

So, back on foot and away we go on the next leg. At the back of our minds though is the fact that this is where they usually throw in some ‘fun’ and so it was to be…..not. After a further couple of miles and cresting a hill we saw a line of guys wading through a series of semi-frozen lakes. Ha bloody ha. Not fun by the stretch of anyone’s imagination and halfway through this I was within a whisker of either crying (I kid you not) or calling it a day and turning back. From here on in it was just hard work:

– Out of the lakes and to the kayak station.
– Carry two kayaks (not one like all the other events) and all associated gear half a mile to another lake.
– Three laps (not two as in all the other events) of the kayak circuit.
– Carry the kayaks back and then retrace footsteps through the wading-lakes.
– Run some more to the three man ‘ski’ and ‘sack-race’ challenges.
– Run some more and get through the scramble net, through an ice-cold pit and over the slippery wall.

And FINISH.

In total, Ian reckons the distances were 10 mile run, 13 mile cycle and 2 mile kayak which doesn’t sound too bad but factor in the terrain, the weather, the mechanical failures and it’s a whole different kettle of fish. For the record we finished 23rd in 3.23 (though we know for certain that one or two teams in front did not complete the whole true distances as we kept over-taking them but they never seemed to overtake us back!)

Kunie’s team had an even more torrid time of it than we did as it became immediately evident that Chris was way out of his depth and just hadn’t put enough ‘miles in the bank’. Even though he’s completed five marathons in a personal-best time of 4.10 we knew he was going to be in trouble when he mentioned that he’d been on the cycle machine in his gym ‘a couple of times’. Uh oh. After the first major hill the poor guy was completely b*ggered and Mark and Tim ended up waiting for an estimated cumulated 45 minutes across all the sections. It really was that tough.

Needless to say I’m sure as the painful memories begin to fade I won’t feel so anti-adventure races but just at this point in time……never means NEVER. But don’t let me put you off getting a team together for the series next year! Ta, Carl.

PS Now, having said that Matt and I are about to start marathon training in the New Year with the target of under four hours in the ‘Shakespeare’ (Stratford) event at the beginning of May………..

September 2006

Yesterday saw the first of this year’s three Adventure Race series – the Pippingford Park Palaver in Sussex, and what a cold, miserable one to start off with it proved to be. It may have been very warm and cosy by the afternoon but believe me at 9.00am in a muddy field in the middle of nowhere with the drizzle becoming heavier by the minute it was certainly not the place to be.

The longer travelling distance and later-in-the-year-start (Sept as opposed to July) probably accounted for the fewer than usual number of teams (60 odd as opposed to almost double that number last time around)…..or maybe word had spread that this was a particularly tough, gruelling course and succeeded in putting the sensible ones off! Either way it seemed that the upside (or downside dependent on how you wish to view these things) was that every other team seemed to be young, well kitted out in all the latest gear (fell running shoes, single-fork bikes, Garmin gizmos a plenty, de-rigueur Oakley shades (even though it was still near-dark!) and more lycra than at a 1980’s Jane Fonda reunion party!), supremely fit and as keen as keen things. Stood on the start line in nothing more ‘technical’ than a second hand red t-shirt, pink shorts (I know, I know but they were the only ones I could find), red hiking socks, old Nike running pumps and half a flapjack in my pocket I must admit to feeling more than a little daunted. Still, as some guys say……..all the gear yet no idea………

On the crack of the gun, upwards of 200 people sped off into the woods unsure of what the next two, three, four or five hours may hold in store for them. The one thing we (Team Welease Woderwick) have learnt from the earlier ones is that to a large degree your finishing time and position can be determined by how quickly you complete the first couple of tasks (4k run and a ski-thingy on wooden planks) and then get out of transition and onto the mountain biking bit. With this in mind we set, what was for us, a bit of a blinding pace on the run and ended up on the bikes in about tenth or twelfth position after only 20 minutes. It was also a bit of a blinding pace when taking into account the terrain and conditions; it really was up-and-down (and I mean BIG ups-and downs at that) and muddy, boggy and waterlogged throughout. Great….if you like that kind of thing. Me? I’m more of a flat, tarmaccy, kind of a runner with a pub goal at the end.

As many of you will already know, I never look forward to cycling at the best of times let alone in these conditions but I have to admit that I was OK for the first mile or so and even managed to keep Ian in view….but this was never going to last for the full two hours. It was agony, sheer unadulterated agony. The 13-14 mile course itself was described by Ian afterwards as ‘Gorick-like without the width and then some’. Personally, I found it just plain dangerous. Matt had a big-off crossing a ditch and I enjoyed a fully head-over-handlebar tumble on one descent where I bottled it and would have paid the consequences where it not for the deepest, softest clump of lovely ferns that you could ever imagine! Apparently the injury tally (not counting sprains, pulls, twinges and tears) numbered broken wrists, snapped collar bones and broken ribs. Ouch. I knew there was a reason I promised myself never to do another one of these damn things.

Having said that we hadn’t been passed by (m)any teams and knew we were doing as well as we could have hoped when we came to the next challenge – having to traverse a course of six pontoons with only one plank which would have been easy where it not for the three bikes and three people. Surprisingly, we performed like the well-oiled (rusty) machine we are and even picked up a place or two. Off to the hills again, finally completing the mountain biking in a whisker over two hours and then back on safe ground on two feet.

Relatively speaking, the next hour was pretty uneventful and we more than held our own in the up-and-down run, lumbered over a stream or four, scaled a sand hill via a rope, clambered into the kayaks for the 2-3k lake paddle (where it was my job to do nothing more than lie in the bottom of one of the boats acting as ballast – sorry guys, it’s a tough job but someone had to do it) and then sprint the last 3k to the one-legged-sack race, the military scramble net and over the slippery wall to the beckoning finish where we were delighted to discover we were only the seventh team over the line in 3.05.39. Top effort (and grudgingly) top fun!

October 2006

The agony and the…agony. Yesterday saw Team Welease Woderwick (Ian Lee Emery, Matt Beevorski and me) complete the latest in the Trail Plus Adventure Race series and you know I always that they are always ridiculously hard work…….but this one was really, really, REALLY hard! In short:

– Great weather….until it became too hot
– 160 teams (almost 500 competitors)
– 2.5 mile run (easy enough though all off road)
– 20 mile mountain bike (too long and way too gruelling. We came across collapsed people and many broken bikes)
– 2.5 mile run to the ‘kayaks’ (for me, this is where ‘the fun’ started as I completely cramped up and ended up foetal-like by the side of the road for ten minutes and then was only able to hobble)
– 2 miles in the kayaks with me lying in the bottom of the boat, recovering. Sorry guys
– 2.5 mile run to the finish line with the usual skiing, cargo-net and slippery wall challenges thrown in. What crazy wags those Trail Plus guys really are……..not!

3.49 was our finishing time and 17th position. Not bad considering the cycle and the size/quality of the field though I suspect something like 20% of all entrants would have failed to finish. We came across several very distressed individuals who were not in a good way with dehydration, fatigue and cramp. So……never again until the next time on Sunday 3rd December! Anyone else keen to put together a team? Nah, thought not.

December 2006

New world record set for grabbing the granny…and no, it’s not what you think. Those mountain-biking enthusiasts amongst you may know exactly what I’m talking about though? ‘Grabbing the Granny’ (ring) refers to the selecting of the smallest, front cog on the gear thingy which in turn means that it is the easiest gear to pedal in. It’s usually resisted until everything else (ie your legs) fail as (in reality) there is nowhere to go once selected and it’s the start of the slippery slope down. During yesterday’s last-in-the-series trailplus event I believe I set a new world record of 37 seconds for grabbing-the-granny. I don’t believe I was even that far out of the ‘transition’ area but not to worry too much…..37 seconds down……7200 to go (that two hours to you and me!) Uh oh.

Anyone notice the weather over the last couple of weeks/days? I don’t know about you but I’ve now spent 17 days building an Ark and future ticket sales are going remarkably well. ‘Wet’ does not do yesterday’s event – Weaver’s Down Winter Warmer – any justice whatsoever and get this, at one point in time the crossbar on my bike was completely under water…….not the crank, not my feet, not the wheels……but the actual crossbar! OK, I admit my crossbar is very probably lower than everyone else’s but you get the picture?

As usual, the race kicks-off with a gentle two-and-a-half mile jog in the woods (imagine climbing up sheer gradients of muddy soil about the size of a house and you get the idea) that is complicated a little by the fact that this is the UK’s largest ever adventure race and is being attempted by 200 teams……yep that’s 600 people……all thinking (at this point in time at least) that they can win, defeat their pals and set a PB. Fools, the lot of us! But hey it’s cold but not raining….yet. Personally I find the running bits OK but it’s then into transition and on with the lids, gloves and SPDs and off on the bike. This is where it becomes…..er……more challenging. The next two hours can only be described as torture……and at times, terrifying torture at that. The course was a bog, purely and simply a completely waterlogged course of 15 energy-sapping miles with no dry tracks. At best wet sand, at worst lakes of water and mud. By the way, have I mentioned the mud? The ‘terrifying’ bit refers to a couple of the descents where (after about 30 minutes) I had absolutely NO brakes left and there was no choice but to shut your eyes and get on with it. Both brake levers’ completely back to the bars had no effect whatsoever on slowing the descent and on occasion I actually felt like a proper mountain-biker. When I had time I’d politely say ‘coming through on the right/left’, when it was getting hairy it morphed to ‘GET OUTTA THE WAY’ whilst on the terrifying bits there was just silence as my voice had left me. Those of you that know how ‘tight’ I am will realise how scary this really was when I say I am going to upgrade to disc brakes asap……none negotiable and irrespective of cost. Yep, THAT scary.

Back into transition and onto the next running section and I have to admit I felt (relatively/surprisingly) on top of the world and up for anything. Just between the two of us and, upon pain of death don’t tell anyone else but I’m beginning to enjoy this running lark and in my new fell-running triathlon shoes my feet seem to stick to the ground like the sticky stuff to a blanket. Then into the kayaks for a couple of miles…..when it did start raining again……and then back for a final three or four miles to the finish. It was getting tough now as, having walked the kayak into and out of the water your feet were completely frozen and it was as if the really tough running hills had been kindly saved for the end. Oh and not to mention a couple of hundred yards with three of us in a sack, then on wooden ski/planks of wood (where we fell over at least a dozen times), under the cargo net (which is SOOOOOOO heavy that it rips your back to shreds) and finally over the slippery wall……..oh, how that must make the organisers’ laugh……B*GGERS.

Our finishing time of 3.41.23 and a tentative 17th position was, though I do say myself, not that bad for three fat, forty and f*cked guys. Imagine how good that first pint felt!

December 2008

You know it’s cold when you’re a mile or two into the race and you lift your water bottle to your lips for that well earned first slurp…and it’s frozen!

Yesterday saw team Welease Woderwick (me, Ian and Matt) compete in the latest Trailplus Adventure Race at Minley Barracks near Camberley and my word was it not warm. Upon arriving at 8.30am the organisers were gazing out over a completely frozen lake, pondering the question of whether or not a Soviet ice-breaker was something the military perhaps kept close by for such an emergency. And it wasn’t just a thin film of covering ice, oh no, we’re talking a good half-to-three quarters of an inch thick, resembling plate glass. My, how inviting that looked.

At the allotted 10.00am start 250 teams galloped into the woods on the first 5k run all intent on carving out an ever-so important lead. We were not as quick as we had been in previous races but were determined to stick close to each other as these conditions warranted a bit more camaraderie than usual. The ground, absolutely rock hard, slippery and treacherous saw several people take tumbles and one guy in particular performed a hugely entertaining ice dance across a frozen pool; how he kept his balance is beyond me but it didn’t half make me laugh!

Into transition, onto the mtb and into my favourite section (not), mountain biking. The good news is that the ground was now breaking up and by the time I got to them, most of the puddles had been broken…which lead to mud over a foot deep and water way above this. The bad new is I’m cr*p on two wheels and these conditions did their best to highlight this fact to all those riding near me. B*gger. I did however manage to keep it upright, unlike one or two I saw that took big offs as the stumps and roots were just iron bars with no give or grip whatsoever. The guys had to wait for me on occasion but not as much as they’ve had to in previous races and we were surprisingly quickly into the kayak for a kilometre round said frozen lake. Nice. Ian did his usual thing of flapping his paddle around ineffectually but Matt and I got him through (no I in team and all that) and we were back on the mtb by the time the majority of competitors were turning up. So far…er…so good.

The next loop was fine with no hiccups and then into transition for the final run and we were OK, really OK. It’s got to be said, the final run was quite fun and we were all strong enough to get a pace on, catch several teams and steam ahead to the final tasks of ‘skiing’ (on wooden planks), getting through the Army’s cargo net and over the slippery wall. The clock was stopped at 2.52. Not a bad effort for a team of old f*rts though I do say so myself and I reckon that could see us top-20 or maybe even top-15.

Next one? Nah. Never. Ever. Again. Too old and getting too slow. Probably.

February 2009

Now I did enjoy that.

In some sad and highly perverse manner, yesterday’s Trailplus Adventure Race – Pirbright’s Porridge Pot or Bust – was one of the more enjoyable I’ve undertaken. Was it the freezing weather, Ian’s chain snapping after only ten minutes mtb’ing, watching the first loop of riders catching the second loop up and seeing tempers’ fray, or perhaps our kayak actually sinking in the canal and having to bail out, that did it for me? Nah, I suspect it had everything to do with the fact that it’s the last one I intend to do! Honestly.

Irrespective of the predicted cold-snap, the event appeared to be as popular as ever attracting over 300 teams in sub-zero temperatures to brave whatever the Trailplus guys could throw at us. The event has certainly grown from the relatively small, humble beginnings and close-knit affairs of 2003/4 but this is somewhat surprisingly no bad thing as they’re always well organised, marshalled and approached by the vast majority of competitors in good humour – camaraderie is king! Or is that gallows’ humour?

With the howling wind and snow flurries carrying the crack of the starting gun off in the opposite direction the start took everyone by surprise and we’re off. The one thing we’ve learnt as a team is that you have to get away as quickly as you can so as to avoid any later bottlenecks in the course and so we dashed off as fast as my little legs could lead us. 5k later and we’re on the bikes and in the position that we hoped for…until Ian’s chain snapped on the first tough hill. B*gger. This usually spells the end of the race…but if anyone is going to be carrying a chain splitter and mending device…it’s going to be Ian! We lost a good ten minutes and near as damn it everyone in the first wave passed us, but at least we were still in the game. Being way slower on the mtb than Ian and Matt I had gone on ahead – there’s no I in team I hear you say…but there is a me! The course seemed a little easier than usual and certainly shorter…to the level, as mentioned earlier, that the quick boys ended up catching the slow boys to hilarious effect. Crazy overtakes and off-track manoeuvres ensued including Matt being spectacularly taken-out by a woman mtb’er who didn’t know the difference between her left and right (no change there then!) forcing him to take avoiding action head first into a very wet and muddy ditch! One particular display of cycling did leave me open mouthed and is certainly worthy of a mention. I was coming up to one of the hairiest descents on the course when the guy in front of me whipped off his camelbak whilst still riding and passed it to his team mate who then took this descent flat out, one handed, carrying the camelbak (in his right hand for the record). I struggled to stay upright with both hands and when I caught him up congratulated him on his mtb ability…and it turned out to be Grant! Top dollar and that guy is the mtb daddy. He, Tim and Jonathan then kindly f*cked off into the distance! Thanks guys.

Into transition in sub two hours with Matt already there but no sign of Ian. A couple of minutes ‘should we, shouldn’t we’ debate took place as to whether or not we should start the final run without him when up he popped in the distance carrying his (again) broken steed. Top effort by the boy and we were away on the final run to the kayak element and then back. The first bit certainly felt like a good 5k distance but with us all running relatively strongly we were able to pick off a couple of teams and arrive at the canal bridge with enough composure to select a well-inflated kayak. Well-inflated it may have been but a couple of hundred yards down the course it became apparent that it also had a helluva rip in the base and we were shipping water! With Matt sitting waist deep in freezing water and Ian and I kneeling higher and higher one of the canoe life guards instructed us to ‘abandon ship’ and bail out. Making all allowances for ‘women and children first’ but not needing a second telling we were off and out of the water and back on the final run. OK, so we maybe we didn’t complete that bit of the course but having experienced bad luck earlier we felt it just redressed the balance…and we were all thoroughly, thoroughly soaked to the skin.

The final run again felt like another 5k at least and with energy levels flagging we knew we were being reeled in by a couple of teams. It was certainly building up to a very competitive finish. The ‘wooden ski’ challenge at the end saw us keep our closest rivals at bay but they were back at us through the cargo net before the dreaded slippery wall. But what’s that, they didn’t seem to have a good technique to get over the slippery wall…and we nicked it by a second or two. Top event, top effort by the boys and never, ever again. Honestly.