Hillingdon 25M Time Trail – 21st March 2010:

Well, at least I was only over taken by two other riders…

This morning saw Johnny and I enter the first Time Trial race of 2010, the West London 25 mile TT, my first proper cycle race ever, and I kid you not we were almost the only ones not racing on a time trial bike, with disc wheels and aero bars. Why, most of the other participants even raced in aero helmets ferchristsakes!

Daunted is not the word but, as with most of these events, it turned out to be not too bad at all and the fear of anticipation is greater than its reality. An out and back course into Buckinghamshire meant is was uphill and out into the wind and downhill and back with the wind. I thought I was going OK until I was caught and passed by rider #55 after less than ten minutes…way less than ten minutes…which meant he had gained over two minutes on me in such a short space of time. It was obviously the last I saw of him. Johnny came past me a minute or two later and that was the last I saw of him too. Thankfully no-one else was going to over take me as no-one else had started behind them.

By now I knew I was at the back of the field and realised there was little chance of seeing anyone else let alone racing with them so it was purely a case of getting your head down and riding as hard as you can…which I’ve subsequently been told is THE whole point of time trialling. Doh. Anyway, 74.56 minutes later I passed the finishing line and was relatively pleased to get under my target time of 75 minutes and as it turned out, the final results showed ten riders were actually slower than I was. They really do need to get out on their Cervelo-carbon-aero-time-trial-aerodynamic-wind-tunnel-designed bikes a little more!

Top fun and I’ll do that again.

PS Johnny came back in a fraction over 70 minutes but I’m sure he was waiting for me half way round the course.

Bath Road Hilly 31M Time Trial – 26th March 2010:

100% record intact…

Those of you who are eagerly following my blossoming cycling career will recall that in my first time trial the other month I was over-taken by only two other riders, namely only those two who started behind me. Well, you’ll be relieved to hear that following my second such race, yesterday’s Bath Road Hilly 31 mile TT, this impressive record remains intact and untouched. OK, for the anally-retentive amongst you there’s one subtle difference in that I started 9th out of 22 riders as opposed to 53rd out of 55. Yep that’s right, all 13 riders who started behind me caught and (very easily it has to be said) passed me. Why #10 had caught/passed me before we’d left the starting village of Bradfield ferchristsakes! I could of course grasp the straw concerning the competitor who punctured twice and understandably DNF’d…but we all know that would be a empty vessel of a claim. Dead last.

The Sunday of the London Marathon dawned surprisingly overcast and grey and the predicted 25 degrees appeared a tad optimistic. With two pals, Grant Wyatt and Simon Davy running the race I was glad of that. The first we knew of the weather we were to encounter in the race was when the first drops of rain hit the windscreen on Jonathan’s transport tranny van. Uh oh. The heavens opened and we hadn’t seen rain like this for months. B*gger.

Arriving early and not wanting to get soaked before absolutely necessary Jon suggested we traverse the course to understand what we faced. Wee Tom (in his ever race) was mortified as he thought Jon meant ride round the course and didn’t know if he had the legs to ride it three times at speed! Ahhh, bless. I somewhat understandably asked if it was really worth it as surely if you’ve seen one TT course you’ve seen them all – out and back on a flat lovely tarmac’d dual carriageway with, only if you’re extremely unlucky, a bit of a bump in the middle somewhere? Oh, stupid boy, Pike. This wasn’t a TT course; it wasn’t even a road race course; I’ve ridden less hilly and better surfaced mtb races! Uh oh. Again. This was going to be a shocker.

Yet again we were the only competitors on road bikes, the only ones not wearing skin suits or aero-helmets and I the only one without aero-tri-bars. I love the smell of embrocation in the morning, it sells of…er…defeat. But, the key thing is to get out there and enjoy it and so it was to be. Put your head down and spin those legs. And it was great fun; the rain even stopped after a short while and the sun thought about popping out to say hello, before thinking better of it. 1.42.36 was my time (dead last), 1.40.09 was Tom’s time (Junior winner…OK, the only junior participant but good on him nonetheless) and Jon came home in 1.36 and a few seconds. The winner, James Boyman of In Gear Quickvit RT (Jon tells me it’s a pro development team, whatever that is) completed the course in a fraction over 1.17 and the guy is apparently destined for a GB place.

Hey, but before you write us off as no gear and completely no idea, get this, we were all winners – to enter as a team there has to be three participants and the only other threesome included the punctured DNF! West Drayton MTB Club were duly awarded the Team prize for having the lowest cumulative time with the three riders coming in the final three places. Even I could hear the irony in the presenter’s voice!

PS The aforementioned London marathon runners, Grant and Simon, completed the circuit in 3.58.02 and 4.55 respectively. Good on you guys but next year check out the Bath Road Hilly 31 TT as it’s just as tough, only £7 to enter and you get free tea and cake at the end of it.

West London 25M TT – 30th May 2010:

At the risk of repeating myself (and showing myself to be even more tedious than you already know I’m capable of) this morning’s time trial saw aero helmets, dish wheels, TT bikes and skin-suits a plenty, big calf muscles, embrocation, bananas, expensive sunglasses, focus and a steely determination from the majority of the early morning throng of 55 serious competitors. Deja vu? Well, yeah…but with one major difference…

I overtook someone. No, I really did. And not only that, to prove if wasn’t a fluke I overtook someone else, twice! Time-trialling? Bring it on.

First away of your local three musketeers, I headed off into the damp blustery morning air at 7.48am, with Jonathan Greaves due a minute later and Paul ‘the wiry-wily-weekend-warrior’ Williams at 7.50am. I was determined to keep some distance and time between us for as long as possible on this occasion and have to admit that I was quite pleased to put in almost 15 minutes before Paul silently slid by with Jon somewhat noisily on his tail. But Jon didn’t look himself and I thought…”I’m not having that!” Knocking it down a cog or two, stepping on the gas and forcing the ol’ legs to spin more than they were happy to saw me match his speed, gain a meter or two and then settle into what has to be the pass of the season. My how I looked like a cyclist for all of 50m before he regained his composure and came sniggering past me again like I was travelling backwards, which by now relatively speaking I was! But it was wonderful whilst it lasted and I am confident that for those who saw it, it will pass into cycling folklore.

The floodgates were now well and truly open and everyone appeared to have free-licence to pass me at will…which of course they felt obliged to do so. The half-way turnaround saw Paul at least the proverbial country-mile ahead of us both but a labouring Jon only maybe 2-300m in front. He couldn’t surely be caught could he? No. Behave. But there was a woman in front of him and it looked suspiciously like she was travelling even more slowly than I was. Oh yes…she shall be mine. Dispatched in style and a second wind saw me soon after fly past the chequered flag, unclip and come back for a friendly chat with the marshals on the finish line. The conversation went something like this:

Me: That was a great race, really good course, good tarmac, thoroughly enjoyed that.

Marshall #1: That’s always good to hear and not a bad time either.

Me: Eh? Good time? Are you confusing me with someo…er…(accompanied with a sinking-stomach feeling)…I have finished, haven’t I?

Marshall #1: Yes, of course you have. I think. Probably.

Marshall #2: What number are you?

Marshall #1: You’ve been to the top roundabout haven’t you?

Me: #18 and yes of course I’ve been to the top roundabout.

Marshall #2: You’ve been to the top roundabout twice, yeah?

Me: Twice? Oh b*gger. Shite.

Meanwhile, said earlier lady had seen her chance, regained her composure & rhythm and passed me. Time to dig in and give it some. Up the dual carriageway towards the roundabout and who’s coming flying towards me grinning like the cat who has the cream? No, not Paul…Jon! Where’s Paul? What’s happened? A mechanical, a puncture, abducted by aliens, he’s blown up and his legs have fallen off? It turns out he’s not only gone round the first top roundabout but decided he’ll go on to the next one, two or three miles further down the road! Jonathan had apparently done the same but realised his error far, far sooner than Paul. Ha ha ha. Laugh? I nearly choked on my isotonic rehydration carbo gel!

So, against all the odds and allegedly for the first time in living memory Jonathon triumphed over Paul in a formal GB recognised time trial and needless to say is never going to let him forget it. For the record our formal times were:

Jon Greaves – 1.10.55

Paul Williams – 1.11.55 (oh, what could it have been!)

Carl Beetham – 1.15.15 (that’s at least 1.13 in my book..if not a sub 60!)

All the mistakes were absolutely of our own making, none were the fault of either the marshals or the organising club, Hillingdon CC and consequently we three will be forming our own breakaway team, hereby known as…’The Schoolboy Errors’. Rest assured we will be cocking-up at a time-trial in your vicinity in the very near future!

The Knobbly Tyres Ten – Wednesday 23rd June 2010

Top ten, top table, top dollar…

Disc wheels, aero helmet, fixed grimace and a thousand-yard stare. No, not this time. Thankfully. Last night saw me compete in a time-trial with a difference. The Knobbly Tyres 10 is a mountain bike TT competed on West Drayton’s Beyond MTB road course and proved to be a surprising concoction of ‘lock-out’ fun and ’70 psi’ frivolity.

Paul ‘Wily Weekend Warrior’ Williams’ advice seemed strangely simple yet prophetic – start flat out and then try and go a bit faster – but with only ten miles I guess there was little else to do in terms of tactics and strategy. The only possible downside was that I didn’t have a clue where the course went and with no signs or marshals the potential for disaster was obvious. So, really I had no choice but to start catching people pretty sharpish so I could tag along and follow someone and hopefully not get lost.

Those plans went up in smoke as #30 passed me and made it look soooo easy. B*gger. But at least he was going my way. And keeping him in sight brought others into view and I have to admit that I overtook more than I was overtaken. Result. Well, actually the result was 28.39 which I thought was OK, not too shabby and I know I could go at least a minute faster if I knew where I was headed. 10th position out of about 36-37 riders.

Meanwhile out on the course the true battle was taking shape and make no bones about it Paul had turned up to win. So much so that I am absolutely sure that he was on a ‘promise’ from his missus if he arrived back home early enough with the trophy! I reckon this must be a regular thing as all his season’s training appeared to point to peak performance in this race. The only person who stood between Paul and his conjugal rights was Mr. Indefatigable himself, Mr. Colin Smith. Uh oh. He of the shaved tyres, shaved head and 120 psi. Were they knobblies, were they hybrid? The stewards enquiry afterwards did indeed confirm they were knobblies as Colin was able to produce the original sales receipt…they were a present from his parents for his 18th birthday! And had either of them blown the residents of half of Hertfordshire would have thought the Buncefield Refinery had gone up again!

An hour later saw us all breaking (nan) bread together where Paul was awarded first prize (23.19?), Colin second and Emma first lady. The trophies, all fashioned by Chairman Chris Denman featuring tyres, cassettes (has he not converted to CDs yet?), cogs, cables and such cycling paraphernalia and were all top notch. Best time for a short ginger midget beginner with no idea how to ride saw me seated on the top table sat opposite the current Champion Paul and next to all-time-course-record-holder (on both road and mtb bikes) Tim Smith. Understandably, both were keen to know where I considered ‘free speed to be available on the course’ (eh?), how I managed to keep just below the lactic acid threshold (sunblock), what lines had I taken through the tricky corners (ask me another one like that and you’ll be given lines to do in detention) and exactly what gearing had I selected for tonight’s fine performance (Doh, the ones at the back in the middle of the wheel)? Ah, in the presence of greatness.

Love curry. Love Cobra. Love cycling.

PS Sadly, Paul got home late and drunk. Sorry Sarah.

West London 25 Mile Two-Up/Bit & Bit Time Trial – September 2010

There’s a first time for everything…

Yesterday morning saw several of your gallant musketeers compete in the latest of the West London 25 mile time trial cycling race. What first could this have yielded? Me having done enough training? Never. Jonathan getting up out of the right side of the bed? Behave. Colin competing in long socks so his Ironman tattoo’s not on permanent display to all and sundry? Shudder at the very thought. Nah, get this, when Grant picked me and wee Tom up at 6.25am…he looked decidedly, and for the first time I’ve ever seen it…he looked nervous! As a veritable TT virgin, would his ‘first night’ nerves be justified?

The Great Missenden HQ was buzzing when we pitched up and whilst, as many of you will now know, everyone else looks highly professional, technically slick, uber-fit and very competitive, there’s always a great feel to these events and everyone goes out of their way to make newcomers, blaggers, chancers, no-marks and no-hopers feel welcome and part of the merry band. This particular race was a ‘bit & bit’ which (apparently) meant teams of two were allowed and they could legally draft and work as a team. Aha, wheel suckers of the world unite! The West Drayton teams comprised me and Grant off at 7.54, Jonny and Tom two minutes later at 7.56 with Paul and Colin at 7.58. Several other individual riders from the club bolstered the WDMBC presence, beaten only by Hillingdon Triathletes.

Conditions appeared nigh on perfect as Grant and I shot out of the traps and quickly settled into a ‘way-too-fast-for-our-legs-to-keep-up-for-75-minutes’ pace. Working relatively well and with each of us taking our ‘pull’ at the front (honestly, I was, I really was) we had two specific goals – to get as close to 70 minutes as poss and to not let Jonny/Tom overtake us…or at least not to overtake us too soon. Everything was going to plan until we came to the first roundabout where upon being told to ‘go straight on’ Grant attempted to turn right and ended having to rejoin the correct road via the fast lane of the opposing lane. Doh. However, it was at the next roundabout where the real problems showed themselves. The headwind that greeted the 180 degree turn was as much a surprise as it was unwelcome…where the f*ck did that come from? Either way it was so strong that it had me changing up, and up, and up, even though I was travelling downhill on what should have been the quickest part of the course. And it was here that Grant warned me we may have gone out a bit too fast from the onset as he was feeling it in his legs. Don’t blame me Grant, I was only following you!

From hereon in, and with about 21 miles still to go, we both knew it was going to be painful. And so it proved to be. Somewhat surprisingly though by the half-way mark no-one had yet caught us and it was only at the turnaround 15 mile point that we saw the closing pack of yellow-and black. First past us was predictably Paul and Colin (who made us feel very, very slow), quickly followed by a couple of the WDMBC single riders…but no sign of our nemesis team, Jonny & Tom. Dig deep was the only order of the day but Grant was starting to make some really strange noises and I could tell he was starting to feel the pace a little. I also could tell what he was thinking – ‘if you could only ride in a straight line I might be able to hold your wheel’. To which I was thinking ‘when did I ever claim to be a cyclist’.

All the way back to the final roundabout revealed that they were only a couple of hundred yards off us and we knew we had to kick off to stay ahead for the next three miles. And we did just that. Grant found a second wind, caught up one of the single riders (OK, technically he was still a helluva time ahead of us but it was a significant achievement for us) and it felt as though we sped past the finish line. In reality I suspect we crawled.

Tea and cake at HQ revealed our official time of 70.01 (I kid you not) and Jonny & Tom’s of…69.31. B*gger. 30 seconds in it. Paul & Colin stuffed us all in a decent 60 minutes and a few seconds with the winner posting a sub 57 minutes time. Now that puts it all in perspective.

On the way home Grant cramped up, suffered a dreadful stomach, couldn’t sit on his glutes and had to pull over for five minutes to get a grip. Yep, I think those nerves were justly deserved!

West London Combine Hill Climb – Sunday 17th October 2010:

So what exactly was the point of that then?

The first lesson I learned yesterday was to not take everything on face value. Glancing out of the window at 7.00am everything looked lovely, and having swam in Bray lake only the day before, the weather couldn’t have changed that much. Oh, yes it can! By the time I’d cycled to Jonny’s I was already frozen to the core, had lost any feeling in my fingers and was shivering uncontrollably. Uh oh. Summer kit in October? A big no-no. Well-worn weekend warrior that Jonny is, I was greeted by the cycling equivalent of the Michelin Man…only with more layers!

Cheers to Mellie for lending me a lovely Assos winter top and off we pop to participate in the latest West London Combine cycle event of the season, a hill climb of just 650m. With a start time of 9.46am I have to admit that the thought did cross my mind that meeting at 7.30am was a tad early, I mean, even I can cycle to Wooburn Green within the hour, with a coffee break at Windsor! Ah, but that wouldn’t be taking advantage of Jonny’s scenic route and believe me you’ve not lived until you’ve experienced the delights of Langley, Hillingdon, Hayes and Uxbridge in the crisp frosty freshness of an Autumn morning. Not. I can only put it down to rearing up of a certain homesickness for the pikey palaces and estates of his yoof. Next time, I’ll see you there Jonny and enjoy an extra hour’s kip.

Finally arriving at the start line we were greeted by a surprisingly large gaggle of cyclists and this time there wasn’t an aero helmet or dish wheel to be seen as everyone had…god forbid, normal bicycles and some, no helmets at all. My word it was still cold though and with feet of blocks of ice and fingers their accompanying stalactites I have to admit I wasn’t anticipating posting a pb. But then again it was my first ever hill climb so even if I punctured and had to carry the damn thing up it was going to be one.

Five, four, three, two, one and off. How difficult could it be to cycle 650m anyway? As soon as you ask that question you know you’re in trouble. The answer is ‘very’ and I literally crawled the second half of the hill eventually weaving and wavering across the line in an underwhelming 2.51 (no, that’s not two hours, fifty one minutes, smart ar*e…even though it may have felt it). All eyes then immediately turned back to the hill where Jonny was the next participant. I haven’t mentioned this but it was virtually the first time he’d been on the bike since August’s Ironman and he’d turned out on his heavy steel-framed winter hack, mudguards and all. It had to be close, it just HAD to be. And he crossed the line in exactly 2.50. I kid you not, ONE bl**dy second. Actually, that made me feel almost a cyclist until I realised there were others that were crossing the line over a minute faster than we did. B*gger.

At least we were done and now could head home in the most direct manner possible. Oh no, that’d be too easy and Jonny was adamant that he now needed the see the streets of his childhood, only this time in reverse. On the basis that it’s allegedly not a crime to make a mistake once…officer, arrest that man! And the point of it was? A great laugh and good fun, honestly, give it a go sometime, just give Langley and Hillingdon the slip. Until the next time.