one a day, every day
The other day I came across the best bits of The Lost Diaries by the parodist Craig Brown and I’ve got to share one or two with you:
10 August 2002, Paul Burrell – Until now, I have said little about my relationship with Her Majesty, but the truth must now outweigh the need for me to protect her little secrets. Her majesty was a lovely lady. She thought the world of me. She would often call on her nights off. I got used to that tell-tale knock on the door. She would drum out the opening bars of the national Anthem with her clenched fist. That way, I knew it was her. I’d open the door and there she’d be, dressed in casual clothes – a pair of designer denims and a favourite kaftan. Often, she’d let her hair hang down so it flowed over her creamy shoulders. “You know, you should keep it like that, Ma’am” I once ventured, but she looked downcast. “My public would never accept me like this, Paul!” she said. At that point, she got out her guitar and sang me on of my all-time favourite songs, Ralph McTell’s Streets of London. It was a very private moment that I decided to write about only after a great struggle.
2 May 2005, Tony Blair – What is the challenge? This is the challenge. The challenge is this. The challenge is our challenge. And it is up to each of us to meet that challenge. And challenge that challenge. And to say to that challenge: yes, you are a challenge. And that’s a challenge. But you are a challenge worth taking.
15 August 2008, Karl Lagerfield – Top 5 Tips for Surviving the Credit Crunch:
1. Don’t eat. Eating is so 1970s and this is today. I eat only celery and even that I am not enjoying.
2. Dismiss your assistant chauffeur. No one has an assistant chauffeur any more. Assistant chauffeurs are so yesterday.
3. You do not need more than 200 white shirts at any one time. Anything more is excessive. I threw the rest of them away when I heard about the credit crisis, and I tell you I feel so good about myself.
4. Forget charity. Do you want to encourage beggars? Of course you do not! It would be different if they possessed any sense of bravura, if they styled themselves on the Ballet Russes or they came onto the streets with the Audrey Hepburn look. But they do not. The only charity that is acceptable is Save the Tiger, because – at all costs – we must not lose the real tiger fur. I just adore it. It’s so chic. So now.
5. Never travel first class. It is so common. No one should travel first class, with all those strangers with their coughs and their germs. No, it’s a private jet or nothing at all.
24 September 1968, HM Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother – I have always loved writers. And waiters. Writers and waiters, waiters and writers. Of the two, I think I prefer waiters. At least they bring one things.
14 July 2007, Bono – I was humbled when my accountant, Skunk, explained the inner wisdom of transferring the heart of my fiscal operation to the Netherlands. Tax avoidance has a strong spiritual dimension of such joy that it could bring a tear to the eye of an orphan child. As usual, my good mate the Dalai Lama put it in a nutshell. But mine wouldn’t fit in a nutshell, so instead I’ve put it in a portfolio of global investments.
24th September 2005, Tony Blair – Our values are our guide. Our guide is our future. Our future is our purpose. Our purpose is our values. Our values are our guide. So much more to do. So much more to be done. To be done, to be do. Do be do be dum, dum, do be do be do.
