master of the bleedin’ obvious
Certain things in life shock you to the core: natural disasters, redundancy, Anne Robinson, to name a few. Others are so obvious that you know they’re true even before they make headlines in tmrw’s chip paper: ‘England lose cricket match’, ‘Profligate banker caught with hand in the till’ and ‘Julian Clarey not quite straight’ shockers. So when you see the title ‘Old man rails against young people using technology he doesn’t understand’ you’d be forgiven for thinking this particular post is yet another scathing analysis of today’s attention-seeking culture. And, for once, you’d be right.
Or you would’ve been. It did indeed start out analysing the ‘about-face’ lengths society actually goes to in order to avoid being accused of such: “Hey, over here!” it shouts, “Ignore me! Ignore me!” The ‘I’m an individual’ sketch from Life of Brian jumps to mind. Then it dawned on me that that was exactly what I was doing, and have been doing for years, writing these missives and sending them out into the ether: I am looking for attention. I am seeking your approval. I am trying to belong.
Everyone needs attention, like we need air to breathe. This is neither controversial nor difficult to understand. Facebook sussed this out years ago and a fifth of the world’s population currently agree. Prior to Zuckerberg’s lightbulb moment (OK, the Winklevoss twin’s lightbulb moment!) Abraham Maslow identified that belonging equates to positive attention and cemented its relevance by placing it into his famous 1943 hierarchy of needs. Strong personal bonds and relations mean that co-operation is far more likely, being able to eat of an evening is far more likely, not to mention the likelihood of mating…
However, for attention to have a positive impact it needs to have come from someone you know well and from an opinion that is welcomed, respected, trusted. This invariably comes from someone you’ve spent, and invested, time with, quality time, face time. If not, then it’s going to have the opposite effect and create a level of anxiety, frustration and even anger. People who feel they don’t belong to a group or society are going to suffer badly and are way more likely to describe themselves as lonely or isolated. And this is the key – attention of the kind we need and benefit from is qualitative not quantative. It’s not about the number of likes, retweets or contacts it’s about the depth, the intimacy, of that relationship and the feedback you receive from it.
A 2016 government study showed there are now more lonely people in Britain than live in London (over eight million), and whilst they don’t all lack social contact, they do lack the positive, supportive, personal attention that usually goes with it. Much of this style of attention comes through work, friendship and family bonds where you’re creating alliances of reciprocity and hence, belonging. These two-way relationships, where both parties have something to contribute, usually provide as much high-quality attention as people need, and asking for more is seen as attention seeking and showing-off. Individuals without these natural bonds often resort to social media, where, it is often the case that you don’t truly know those you are communicating with. We can’t yet definitively state that social media makes people lonely but, on its own and in isolation, the evidence is pointing that way.
Initiatives like the Mental Health Foundation’s ‘Tea & Talk’ and ‘The Big Lunch’ may help people to actually get out and get to know others a little better, and consequently enjoy the implicit (and explicit!) feedback that results. On the day that it was officially announced that both Millennials and Generation Z’ers spend more time online than in front of the tele (no bad thing? – ed), and where the developmental role of social media companies within our children and adolescents is in under extreme scrutiny, the moment may soon come when we are officially urged to get a minimum of real, offline conversation every week, like exercise or your five-a-day. By admitting our need for attention, maybe we’ll get the friendship we all deserve.
