january abstinence
No, neither did I. But rest assured we’re not alone and in the spirit of self-loathing here are the other new year resolutions that should be abandoned and condemned to at least another eleven months’ ignominy:
I’m going to read more: Delusional. Just where exactly are you going to find the time? You eat standing up. You urinate in the shower. Shave in the car. Floss on the tube.
I must meet up with my online friends: Doh. They’re your online friends precisely because you can shut them up with a click of a button and delete them with n’er a care. I guarantee that meeting these similarly lonely and depressing individuals will be a disappointment. And they will look NOTHING like their profile picture.
I’m going to exercise more: Or, I’m going to exercise, more like. Yeah it makes perfect sense to want to get into shape but is exercise the answer? First of all, it hurts. Secondly, you’ll sweat. A lot. Then you’ll spend all your money on tight tops and this season’s must-have footwear. You’ll now fill up everyone’s inbox with distances travelled, speeds attained and calories burnt, when all they want to do is perv over someone they went to school with. Just join a gym and never go. Like everyone else.
I must travel more: Why? First there’s all the sh*g & hassle with getting there and then when you do arrive, jet-lagged and ready to spend a week in bed, there’s all the people already there. People you wanted to get away from in the beginning. All you’re really missing out on by staying-put is the opportunity to Instagram a smug selfie on the beach. And God knows enough people do that already.
I want to take up an extreme sport: Behave. If it takes you over five minutes to lower yourself into a slightly too hot bath you’re not going to look your best having shat yourself on the inaugural bungee jump. Please just admit this to yourself.
I need to spend more time with my loved-ones: Oh, your lucky loved-ones. You’re an adult, grow up. You should spend your days in a miserable cycle of unrelenting work and restless sleep, before dying in a fit of abject exhaustion and lack of gratitude. And be thankful for it.
I need to drink less alcohol: Of course you do but it’s no less likely to happen than all the rest. Start by setting more realistic goals, such as ‘drink one at a time’, don’t drink the dregs of strangers’ drinks’, ‘don’t gulp the communion wine’ and ‘no drinking on your own in the toilet at work’.
Hooray for me!
