go west young man
Having spent the last (near as damn it) six months seeing something of the world here are my thoughts and, all-in-all, it’s a nice place to visit, wouldn’t want to live there but a nice place to visit nonetheless:
I’m back and with several months’ travel observations to foist upon anyone who cares to listen! The intention whilst seeing a bit of the world, was to be as digitally unconnected as reasonably possible, which was undeniably helped by the fact that, in reality, much of the world has yet to discover the joys of t’internet and its associated infrastructure. I suspect not having access to my Outlook address book and forgetting to take my phone also assisted. So, without further ado, here are my musings – some serious, some light-hearted – on the wider world at large:
Au revoir Australia & New Zealand:
– NZ is nicer than AUS and it’s not full of Australians.
– Contrary to popular opinion both countries are not twenty years’ behind us, it’s closer to forty. No, really.
– 48 degrees is too hot for an Anglo-Saxon ginga but you’ll never tan whilst using SFP 50.
– Alice never went to her spring, and having spent two days there we can see why.
– Drinking to excess does no one any favours, especially if you’re Aboriginal.
– A tourist and his money are easily parted, doubly so when the difference between dollars, euros and stirling are unknown.
– Kangaroos haven’t taken the time to learn the green cross code.
– Never refuse the opportunity to have a wee.
– Who let the dingos out?
– Good coffee solves everything.
– Space is good, company’s better.
– Gap years should be outlawed.
– Being ‘connected’ is over-rated and often unnecessary.
– All cities are the same but some more than others.
– Serbian women are the world’s most beautiful.
– Irish jokes travel.
– Steve Irwin was asking for it.
– Irony is lost on the gullible. And the Australian.
– If the horse has already left, then the town’s not worth stopping at.
– Nemo’s alive & well and well at Lady Elliot Island.
– When it’s gone it’s gone. And it ain’t coming back.
Sayonara Saigon or hasta la vista Ho Chi Minh City as it now likes it to be called. There are no two-ways about it, Vietnam is madness, pure bedlam with every dial wound to eleven. I can guarantee that, until you treat yourself to a visit, you won’t have seen anything like it:
– When your taxi driver has yet to start shaving you know you’re in for a bumpy ride.
– Vietnam assaults your sense of smell first. Next to go is your sense of well-being.
– Stamping a large, fat rat to death outside his street food stall shows the restaurateur takes his commitment to Health & Safety extremely seriously.
– Paying a million dong does not guarantee you a quiet bed for the night.
– Choosing a hotel with a cockerel as its logo could indeed mean that they keep one as a pet. But you won’t find out until 5.20am. Each morning.
– Never judge a book by its cover but maybe check what language it’s written in before you shell out the hard-earned.
– Vietnam Vespa Adventures live up to their name.
– Exactly what constitutes a tourist attraction in one country may not be to everyone’s taste. Asian zoos are not happy places.
– Over there it’s called the ‘American War’…and I think they’ve got it right. Oh, and guess who started it? The bl##dy French.
– Making the universally accepted ‘wiping your arse’ sign isn’t always enough to ensure you’ll get a couple of toilet rolls delivered to your room. Being lost in translation, you will be visited by the hotel maintenance team whose mission it is to unblock it.
– Getting your hair cut in a country that still reveres Yul Bryner as a national treasure is not the wisest of moves.
– In Vietnam, do they drive on the right hand side of the road, or do they drive on the left hand side of the road? Yes.
– Buy yourself a two-stroke 50cc moped and take your girl out on the town. Eight million Ho Chi Minh City inhabitants can’t be wrong all the time.
– The Vietnamese are single-handedly keeping British American Tobacco in business.
– Assume pavements are for pedestrians at your peril.
So long Seychelles:
– What is the Russian for please and thank-you? I don’t know. And neither do most Russians.
– The bounty bar was first discovered in the Seychelles, in 1927, by the intrepid adventurer Mr Cadbury, and the islands have featured in all the commercials ever since.
– How can you tell someone’s from Texas, USA? Don’t worry, you won’t need to, they’ll be telling you soon enough.
– Arabs like the heat less than mancunians and sweat like a scouser in the dock.
– Beauty is in the eye of the beach.
– When in Rome. You booked the wrong flight.
– When bathing in the sea ensure you swim with beautiful people – sharks have great eyesight and a discerning palate.
– Enough is seldom so.
– A fake man wears a fake watch.
– Yorkshire is just like Scotland but with all the generosity squeezed out.
– The ancient art of using a knife and fork properly is on the wane. Let’s hope it doesn’t become extinct.
– Irrespective of your age, resist the urge to wear indigenous leather-thonged bead jewellery.
– An ‘all you can eat buffet’ is a suggestion not an instruction.
– Remember to pack your sense of humour.
– I bet you not everything has to be competitive.
– Time not only flies, it travels by any means necessary.
– Choosing to watch ‘The Impossible (starring Ewan MacGregor and coming to a cinema near you shortly) before landing on a tiny island in the middle of the Indian Ocean won’t be one of your better ideas.
– Real life is the bit in between. In between what is the question?
– Northerners are likeable the world over. No, really.
The Seychelles was obviously a place for the rich & famous to hang out and here are some of the ‘celebrities’ we spied over the last couple of weeks…or were they simply very convincing look-a-like-ees?:
Vladimir Putin – enjoying a very discreet gay weekend away with one of his bodyguards.
Rihanna & Chris Brown – both keeping it real whilst working as tour guides on a charter from the island of Mahe.
Marvellous Marvin Gaye- but you already knew that as you’d heard it through the grape vine.
Daniel Craig – working it hard whilst practising his water-exiting scene from Casino Royale.
Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni – sans babbie. Again.
Farrah Fawcett Major – still looking good but it’s time for the big 70s hair to go.
Sven Goran Eriksson – neatly aligned flip flops and a precisely layed-out towel gave the game away.
