dope and be damned
As doping scandals continue to beset many professional sports you’d be justified in perhaps asking the question “would you sell your soul for fortune and five minutes’ fame?” A 1984 study by sports scientist Bob Goldman asked exactly that question of professional sportsmen and women: “would you be willing to take an undetectable drug that would assure them of sporting success, but would equally assuredly cause your death within five years.” And get this, over half of them said they would!
This got me thinking of what type of person would actually want to become a professional sports person in the first place or more importantly, what psyche does this character have? They’ve obviously got to be committed and dedicated. Individuals who enjoy a good ol’ binge every Friday and Saturday aren’t likely to pass muster. Clearly the first requirement is that the suitable candidate is some kind of mild sociopath, a loner who regards the rest of society as a bad-lot and best avoided. Anyone with plans for an active and lively social life can leave right now.
Given the privations of an athlete’s strict dietary regime we can equally rule out those who enjoy fine dining with n’er a care for an extra lb or two. Professionalism is far more suited to someone who’s happy to lunch on gels and bars with the taste and consistency of warm wallpaper paste that you squirt directly into your lower intestine via an unhygienic foil tube. Yes, the successful talent search needs to focus on those who eat terrible food and don’t know it.
And then there’s the training. Whilst even I have to admit that this can be immensely rewarding and even a bit of a laugh, there’s no denying that SERIOUS training is, at best, a bit dull. It’s going to take hours and hours and hours. By its very nature it’s repetitive, stressful, repetitive, most probably lonely, repetitive and exceptionally boring. And did I mention it being a bit repetitive? Step forward Mr Dullard. Mr Right Professional is not going to be a witty, bright spark, the ‘life & soul’ that’s first on everyone’s party guest list. Oh no, he’s going to be bored already and boring to boot.
The logic is inescapable: in searching for our next Bradley Wiggins, Rebecca Adlington or Mo Farrar, we need sociopaths with shocking diets who have nothing to do with their lives but sit around counting out their days in coffee spoons. And where will we find them: schools, colleges, sports clubs? I think not, prisons, borstals and young offender rehabilitation centres would be my calculated gamble. Finding GB’s Olympic team for Rio 2016 is going to be a piece of cake…provided there’s a file in it!
