billy no mates
Last week on the on the (very) delayed 16.40 to London Waterloo, we were informed that “those passengers travelling to Twickenham, Richmond or Clapham Junction are advised to either change at Staines and join the Windsor & Eton Riverside service travelling twenty minutes behind or return to those stations via Waterloo.” The (very) pretty lady opposite looks up from her phone, confused and I offer the opening gambit of “decisions, decisions.” I see her visibly recoil in both surprise and horror. She clutches her bag slightly tighter. My follow-up of “who’d work for South West Railways?” is met with nervous silence and, needless to say, she alights at the first opportunity.
Believe it or not, I wasn’t hitting on her and I have a confession to make: I Talk To Strangers.
According to research by the British Red Cross, millions of people in the UK are suffering from loneliness and social isolation. Of the 4,000 adults questioned, a fifth said they had no close friends at all and more than a third said they ‘often’ felt alone, with nobody to talk to. And while many believe loneliness to be an issue that predominantly affects older people, the research suggests young adults are surprisingly more likely to experience it. I think I may have stumbled upon a solution, but it’s going to depend on you.
For me, a five-foot-nothing once ginga/now greying midget with bad teeth, talking to strangers does not come naturally and it used to be only as a last resort: lost in an unfamiliar neighbourhood, page missing from the A-Z (remember, I don’t own a smart phone), two broken legs and a tsunami on the way. I know I’m not the only one who feels similarly daunted. Daily, we all stand squashed on the tube, queuing at the checkout or loitering at the bar, in total silence, We’d sooner spoon on the central line in silence than break the monotony with an attempted opening line. No wonder we’re lonely.
Stefan Hofmann, director of psychotherapy & emotional research at Boston University explains that “social anxiety is a completely normal experience. We are social animals. We want to be accepted by our peer groups and we do not want to be rejected. If someone doesn’t have any social anxiety, something is seriously wrong with them.” The key to breaking the ice is realising that the worst case scenario is that you’re ignored, and your conversational gambit is not accepted. No-one’s going to die, divorce, fire or threaten you. Probably. The worst that can happen is that someone rolls their eyes, literally or metaphorically, and thinks you’re a bit of an oddball. Such is life. The next thing is to practice.
Small talk about the weather, commuting trials or the dog’s name is all well and good but it’s going to be of limited use in expanding the conversation. Restricting it to the banal, obvious and mundane is going to leave you firmly in ‘kindly but nosey idiot searching for an available local village’ territory. To get past the cursory you need give something of yourself, you need to self-disclose. Take a risk, give a little to gain a lot and, within the context of the specific environment, ask a question that you really would like to know the answer to. But avoid Brexit. ‘Last time I was here I’d had too much red wine but it seemed a really friendly place to live. Is it? ‘ ‘I don’t rate this exhibition, did you manage to catch the Picasso one t’other month?’ ‘No offence, but swimming’s not your major sport is it, how else do you get your endorphin highs?’ Er, or words to that effect. ‘What’s the best thing about your job?’ ‘Where’s the most interesting place you’ve been to this year?’
So, here’s what I reckon. Be prepared to be the first to speak, or in today’s parlance, ‘reach out’. Don’t be afraid to ask what you want to ask. Smile. Even if you have British teeth. Compliments frequently work but don’t be cheesy or creepy. Be interested and try to be interesting. People almost always want to talk, they actively want to engage and, given the opportunity, often want to talk about themselves. Crucially though, they also want to talk to you!
