bah humbug
So, this year we are all to have ourselves an austerity little Christmas are we? The dawn of the 25th heralded in to the open sobs of children failing to see the true festive spirit of a satsuma, the plastic toy from a McDonalds’ happy meal and a handful of brazil nuts with the chocolate already sucked off! But do not despair, all is not lost.
The first thing to remember is that, taking my lead from Talk Talk’s 1985 hit ‘Life’s what you make it’, Christmas is what you make it, not necessarily what the UK’s retail industry would have you make it. Let the Joneses bankrupt themselves keeping up with each other in frippery, baubles and Wiis, whilst you can develop and refine the art of festive frugality:
1. Everything’s relative – Christmas only needs to be a blowout compared to the rest of the year. Extravagance, indulgence, happiness, and joy are all relative concepts and if you’ve lived the life of a skinflint all year then let your hair down with a heady mix of egg-nog and milk-tray. And start next year’s frugality on the 26th.
2. Last minute rush – If your nerves can take it leave all your food shopping until 5.00pm on the 24th. Just think of the price discounts on perishable goods and soon to be out-of-date figs. The downside is that the crush at Lidl will put the January sales to shame.
3. Buy early – Speaking of the January sales buy everything you need then but make sure you keep the turkey chilled.
4. Go away – No, don’t go away for Christmas as you’ll pay through the nose but do tell everyone you’re going away and just don’t go out. Entertaining is a sure fire way of spending money and should be avoided at all cost. And remember to cancel the milk and papers.
5. Don’t have any friends – Once your social circle widens, which it does through the normal activities of work, sport, natural gregariousness and AA meetings – to say nothing of reading Jamie’s cookery books – you run the risk of becoming aware of the lives of others. A slippery slope if ever there was one as these lives are always going to be better, and more expensive than yours. Avoid at all costs.
6. The way we were – We do it this way as we’ve always done it this way. Invent a family tradition that enables the development of some strange family dogma which completely absolves you from any guilt your children may seek to apportion. Start with the use of your grandparents’ decorations – festive hats made from a 1953 copy of The Times, home-made and repaired crackers which have long since lost their crack, gift and joke, a destitute looking angel for the tree and tinsel with the texture of razor wire.
7. The price is right – Fetishise the right things and bargains are the business. Every gift unwrapped on Christmas morn is to be accompanied by a brief explanation of it’s journey to the hearth along with the detailed accountability of its saving over the RRP. An extra date for the winner. OK, I’m not proud of this but I am promising you it’s cheap.
8. Remember, it’s only 24 hours – Shame on you if you’ve already started purchasing for the great day. As the collective madness descends, people start laying-in for Christmas as if for a siege. Just say no and get some perspective. And piccalilli. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the piccalilli.
9. Get out and about – At the risk of getting arrested in the local dogging car park get out and about as, believe it or not, holly is a natural product and available to us all, free of charge. And whilst you’re out grab yourself some mistletoe and a few poisonous berries for the mulled wine. It’ll all be fine, unless you get shot by the landowner who fails to believe in the right of passage or parlay.
10. May your God go with you – It’s not about what you buy or what you give. It’s all about what you get so make sure to tell everyone that knows you exactly what you want for Christmas. And give them enough time to save up for it as it ain’t going to be cheap. But whatever you do don’t show them this piece!
