welcome back
OK, OK, OK, so I’ve been away for a couple of weeks but c’mon give me a break! And anyway I have at least been able to put my thinking-cap and here are my thoughts as to things you should know if you’re 50 but your girlfriend is 35:
– There’s undoubtedly something wrong with her. Probably some issue with her father. Why else would she want to hang out with one of his pals.
– She doesn’t know who Genesis are. And why are you talking about Genesis in any event? Stop it. Now.
– No, you can’t get away with going ‘dutch’ in restaurants. Yes, young people do that all the time but you’re not one of them.
– That for her, Margaret Thatcher is from the same era as Queen Elizabeth I. Don’t rant about either miners or protestants. Ditto Star Wars and Casablanca.
– That this is it, physically. You’re not going to get any taller. Your chest stopped getting broader several summers past. Hair will now grow only in unwanted places.
– She won’t be able to get anywhere without sat nav.
– Even though they’re smiling and are delighted to meet you, her friends are all silently thinking ‘yep, bit creepy this.’
– Even though they’re smiling and are delighted to meet her, your friends are all silently thinking ‘yep, bit creepy this.’
– That she will not commune with you over the impossibility of getting Word or Outlook to do what you want. And she never accidentally clicks ‘mark all as read’ and then hops round the kitchen swearing.
– There’s no room in the relationship for the comb-over. Embrace baldness and hope she’s a fan of Jason Statham.
– That the phase where she’s excited to learn about history, politics and life from a quirky older guy will be over before you’ve realised it’s even begun. From hereon in, you’re a pompous old bore.
– Do not go clothes shopping with her. That really is a bit creepy.
– That it’s going to be awkward when you decide to tell her about your wife.
