do you mind?
Stop. Look around. Listen. What do you see? What do you hear?
Yeah, I agree, not a lot. Once upon a time, not that long ago, you’d have heard the buzz of an office – the calls, the conversation, the photocopier, the clacking of typewriters, the kettle boiling over, the slurred words of the boss as he returns from another boozy lunch. Now, you’ll hear precious little but the ‘white noise’ of gadget static and the irritating buzz of a ‘too loud’ iPod. Actually, that’s not strictly true. You’re just as likely to hear the clink, chink, clatter and slurp of someone stuffing down a rapidly consumed meal while staring at the blue screen of death…or facebook as it’s become more commonly known as.
People not only eat and drink more at work, but are also guilty of listening to music, shopping online, mooching round various social networking entities, paying bills and obviously writing all their own personal emails and looking after all general correspondence. The online element of activity almost singlehandedly accounts for the for the changing sounds of the office but before we have employers up in arms over these irrefutable facts, they can rest easily as if by way of compensation, one thing people do much more of at home is work!
With longer hours, intrusive technology, 24 hour service and job insecurity blurring the boundaries between work and play, home and office, here are today’s golden rules governing office etiquette:
1. Don’t be nosey. Even though you want to, don’t stand over your colleagues while they’re writing personal emails. In the good ol’ days, if someone was writing a letter on notepaper (or headed paper for that matter) you knew it was none of your business.
2. Those who work get more work to do. Everyone else get pay, perks and promotion. So slow down and stop showing off.
3. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. All that matters is what you say you’ve done and what you say you’re going to do.
4. Make sure you either cycle to work or run in your lunchtime. Your ‘pen & ink’ will keep the nosey parkers well away and no-one will want to know what you’ve been up to for the last seven months.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look busy. Who does this remind you off?
7. If you must eat at your desk, make sure it’s something more than mere finger-food as it’ll keep the ‘hot-deskers’ at bay. Make it a curry, a spag bol or anything that’s required a colander in its preparation. With gravy.
8. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
9. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
10. Remember, a pat on the back is only a few short inches away from a kick in the butt.
Following these rules will of course not get the job done but if it weren’t for the last-minute, nothing would get done!
